Sunday, February 26, 2012

Flopney, Grinch, Odd Paul, and Sanctimonious

I thought I could stay quiet about the Republican primaries. It was supposed to be a slam-dunk for Mitt Flopney. Then Rick Perrywinker had his moment, until people realized he was a parody of a comic doing an impression of an ignorant Texas politician. The Hermanator was next. Why make a nickname when they make their own? His bid terminated when the doorbell rang and what the delivery boy brought was hot and ready sexual misconduct and affairs made public. Oh, Ann Coulter, you were so wrong when you claimed black Republicans (“our blacks”, you said) are so much better than black Democrats. Obama has more class in his little finger…uh oh, used the word “class,” I must be committing class warfare.

Odd Paul. Is he really a candidate for President? At 77, he would be older beginning his presidency than the oldest president, Ronald Reagan, was when he left office. He would be the person most surprised if he became the Republican nominee. He’s an issues person. Odd Paul’s stance against American military adventurism even attracts some on the left. They like hearing him say he would bring the troops home from all around the world and slash the military budget.  Somehow they are able to overlook the fact that given the chance he would end the Departments of Education, Housing and Urban Development, and Interior (national parks, etc.). Odd Paul’s radical proposals to cut spending and return to a gold standard, if implemented, would most likely send us back into a deep recession or depression, though it might make the rich richer, a typical result of Republican policies.

Not that other Republicans don’t have their own radical agendas for America. They call it Conservatism, but it’s more like Corporatism or Plutocracy (rule by the wealthy). They want to cut taxes for all, which is always popular; who can honestly say they like to pay taxes? But of course, their tax cuts benefit the rich more and reduce the amount of money available to the government to help those in need.

As radical as Odd Paul’s ideas are, he manages to attract votes from 10-20% of Republican primary voters, which amounts to about 5% of all registered Republicans, or 2% of all voters. Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this primary season, it is that large numbers of voters can go hot and cold in a hurry. At least polls tell us their enthusiasm waxes and wanes with the wind.

And so it has gone with Newt the Grinch, and will likely now go with Rick Sanctimonious. Republican voters got excited by the Grinch’s skillful propaganda techniques and imagined him defeating Obama in a debate. Until Mitt delivered a few jabs in a Florida debate and a deflated Newt who had just been told his own investment portfolio included Fannie and Freddie, mumbled, “All right.” If even Mitt could do it, what would Obama do to him?

And so only Rick the Sanctimonious stands between Flopney and his goal, to be the president who with his business background will steer the ship of state on a corrective course through treacherous waters—can’t you just hear his inspiring words now?  But first he will have to dispatch Sanctimonious, who wields the Sword of the Unborn, wanting to jail doctors, force victims of rape and incest to give birth, disallow the morning after pill for contraception, and who says it’s “phony” if a doctor recommends terminating a pregnancy to save a woman’s life or health.  

Mr. Sanctimonious’s concern for human life does not, as so often seems to be the case, extend to human beings after they depart the womb. He’s a big believer in “enhanced interrogation,” Bush the Denier’s euphemism for torture, famously remarking that John McCain, a victim of torture in Vietnam, did not understand how the process worked. We can only assume Flopney’s money will vanquish Sanctimonious, though he will no doubt turn off more science doubting, abortion hating zealots in the process.

In the end, though I have no record of successful prognostication, I think it will be Mitt Flopney who carries the Republican flag against Mr. Obama. Polls show that he does better against Obama nationwide than any of the others. Republican donors and power brokers hope the perception that Romney is more moderate and could work with Democrats will attract Independents and conservative Democrats like the ones in WV who voted for McCain. They’re afraid if Sanctimonious or the Grinch is nominated they’ll not only lose the presidency, but the House as well. I hope this protracted battle leaves the eventual nominee so bruised and battered that Republican voters stay home in November. I’ll try to keep quiet until we know for certain which loser they’ve settled on.