I thought I could stay quiet about the Republican primaries.
It was supposed to be a slam-dunk for Mitt Flopney. Then Rick Perrywinker had
his moment, until people realized he was a parody of a comic doing an
impression of an ignorant Texas politician. The Hermanator was next. Why make a
nickname when they make their own? His bid terminated when the doorbell rang
and what the delivery boy brought was hot and ready sexual misconduct and
affairs made public. Oh, Ann Coulter, you were so wrong when you claimed black
Republicans (“our blacks”, you said) are so much better than black Democrats.
Obama has more class in his little finger…uh oh, used the word “class,” I must
be committing class warfare.
Odd Paul. Is he really a candidate for President? At 77, he
would be older beginning his presidency than the oldest president, Ronald
Reagan, was when he left office. He would be the person most surprised if he
became the Republican nominee. He’s an issues person. Odd Paul’s stance against
American military adventurism even attracts some on the left. They like hearing
him say he would bring the troops home from all around the world and slash the
military budget. Somehow they are able
to overlook the fact that given the chance he would end the Departments of
Education, Housing and Urban Development, and Interior (national parks, etc.).
Odd Paul’s radical proposals to cut spending and return to a gold standard, if
implemented, would most likely send us back into a deep recession or depression,
though it might make the rich richer, a typical result of Republican policies.
Not that other Republicans don’t have their own radical
agendas for America. They call it Conservatism, but it’s more like Corporatism
or Plutocracy (rule by the wealthy). They want to cut taxes for all, which is
always popular; who can honestly say they like to pay taxes? But of course,
their tax cuts benefit the rich more and reduce the amount of money available
to the government to help those in need.
As radical as Odd Paul’s ideas are, he manages to attract
votes from 10-20% of Republican primary voters, which amounts to about 5% of
all registered Republicans, or 2% of all voters. Of course, if there’s one
thing we’ve learned this primary season, it is that large numbers of voters can
go hot and cold in a hurry. At least polls tell us their enthusiasm waxes and
wanes with the wind.
And so it has gone with Newt the Grinch, and will likely now
go with Rick Sanctimonious. Republican voters got excited by the Grinch’s
skillful propaganda techniques and imagined him defeating Obama in a debate.
Until Mitt delivered a few jabs in a Florida debate and a deflated Newt who had
just been told his own investment portfolio included Fannie and Freddie,
mumbled, “All right.” If even Mitt could do it, what would Obama do to him?
And so only Rick the Sanctimonious stands between Flopney and
his goal, to be the president who with his business background will steer the
ship of state on a corrective course through treacherous waters—can’t you just
hear his inspiring words now? But first
he will have to dispatch Sanctimonious, who wields the Sword of the Unborn,
wanting to jail doctors, force victims of rape and incest to give birth,
disallow the morning after pill for contraception, and who says it’s “phony” if
a doctor recommends terminating a pregnancy to save a woman’s life or health.
Mr. Sanctimonious’s concern for human life does not, as so
often seems to be the case, extend to human beings after they depart the womb.
He’s a big believer in “enhanced interrogation,” Bush the Denier’s euphemism
for torture, famously remarking that John McCain, a victim of torture in
Vietnam, did not understand how the process worked. We can only assume Flopney’s
money will vanquish Sanctimonious, though he will no doubt turn off more
science doubting, abortion hating zealots in the process.
In the end, though I have no record of successful prognostication,
I think it will be Mitt Flopney who carries the Republican flag against Mr.
Obama. Polls show that he does better against Obama nationwide than any of the
others. Republican donors and power brokers hope the perception that Romney is
more moderate and could work with Democrats will attract Independents and
conservative Democrats like the ones in WV who voted for McCain. They’re afraid
if Sanctimonious or the Grinch is nominated they’ll not only lose the
presidency, but the House as well. I hope this protracted battle leaves the
eventual nominee so bruised and battered that Republican voters stay home in
November. I’ll try to keep quiet until we know for certain which loser they’ve
settled on.
